FML: Your everyday life stories. New posts from fmylife.com
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fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was talking with my friend, and he asked me what I thought of a girl that goes to my school. I responded, "She's a giant cow." He then told me that he recently asked her out. She said yes. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12943199
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12943199
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. I got a little too enthusiastic during it, and wound up cracking my neck loudly, and had to stop while the pain settled down. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12946096
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12946096
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon, Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12946074
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12946074
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend asked his parents if I could spend the night so I wouldn't have to drive so far and come back the next day. After a very long pause, his dad finally said sure, then yelled after us "You'll have to sleep in separate beds," as we walked into his room. My boyfriend is 25. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12945347
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12945347
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend so I could focus properly on the new school year. After an awkward silence, he told me he was glad because he had been trying to find an excuse to break up with me as he has another girlfriend. My cousin. Who is also one of my closest friends. FML.
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12946260
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12946260
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I received an anonymous letter telling me that I smell bad, and suggesting that I wear more deodorant. Apparently my BO is so bad that someone feels the need to stalk me to point it out. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12947973
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12947973
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend changing. She responded by screaming, throwing herself on the ground to avoid me seeing her, and crawling into the bathroom. We've been living together for 2 months. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12948650
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12948650
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was shopping in a store and an employee was mopping the floor. She proceeded to mop all around where I was standing then told me to wait until the floor dried to move. I had to go to the bathroom. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12949008
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12949008
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12948197
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12948197
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, 50,000 copies of the new edition of the town's phone book came out. I manage a pizza place and bought a full menu ad. Apparently the ad designer got confused, as they placed my cell phone number in huge bold letters at the bottom of the ad instead of the store's phone number. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12949707
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12949707
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12951031
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12951031
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was walking outside and had to yawn. As I inhaled, I felt something hit the back of my throat and I reflexively bit down. The side of my mouth started stinging. I spit out a bee that I sucked in with my yawn. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12950363
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12950363
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, the block my house is on is blocked off my 8 cop cars, and I can't get to my house. I have to wait a block away until they leave. I have a huge project that makes or breaks my grade that needs to be sent in. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12950629
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12950629
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I decided to clean the living room. I picked up a case, heard a crack, and opened it to find I had broken my sister's $200 acoustic guitar. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/money/12950454
http://www.fmylife.com/money/12950454
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/12953032
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/12953032
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I had a job interview. The moment I walked into the room, the interviewer said "Ok, I will interview you, but there is no way I'm hiring you." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12952694
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12952694
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my estranged dad drunk-dialed me at 4am to apologize, and to make amends. After crying and forgiving, we hung up. Minutes later, he called back to retract everything he said after remembering how I was rude to him at a party 3 years ago. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12953653
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12953653
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I had to do something that many young technologically-savvy people fear. I had to get on my dad's Facebook for him to delete a rather scandalous photo of his genitals he accidentally uploaded. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12955617
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12955617
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was arrested by the police for sitting in what they thought was a stolen vehicle. After being slammed into the back of a squad car at gun point, they realized the car was actually recovered a week ago. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12957877
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12957877
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend yawned while I was giving him head. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12959324
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12959324
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I did a quick load of laundry so I would have work clothes for the week. I don't have my own dryer so I dried them in the one in my building. After running out to my car, I came back to find that my neighborhood kids had added 6 sharpies to my clothes. Every uniform I own has stripes. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12957316
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12957316
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was talking to my tattoo artist about my how girlfriend broke up with me. She had also gotten her tattoos from him, so they had talked quite a bit. He told me she had been cheating on me with her ex for two and a half months. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose business. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12959841
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12959841
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/money/12959581
http://www.fmylife.com/money/12959581
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, it was my birthday. But instead of a decent surprise, my friends decided to smash a cake on my face and unhook my dress, while taking a video of it. In a public shopping mall. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12959590
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12959590
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, at work, I answered the phone politely like I always do. The call was for my manager, so I stayed on the line until he picked up the phone, as we don't have a "hold" button. Before I hung up, I heard the caller say, "Who was that bitch that answered the phone?" FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12962312
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12962312
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was giving a belly scratch to a stranger's dog, and I saw what I thought was a tumor. I touched it, only to find out that it was in fact the dog's nuts, not an abnormal growth. My first trip to second base involved groping a Corgi in public. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12961914
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12961914
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my mum thought it would be acceptable to tell my school that the reason I will not be attending classes is because I have "the shits." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12960697
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12960697
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12963410
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12963410
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12964017
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12964017
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12966351
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12966351
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12964178
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12964178
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my first time going out in my new town, I asked a little boy if he knew where the supermarket was. He ran away screaming to his mother that the creepy old man is trying to rape him. I'm a fifteen year old girl. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/12966459
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/12966459
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12966386
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12966386
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I got circumcised. And after the surgery my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12969357
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12969357
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for the chicken I bought four days ago. I finally found it - not in the refrigerator, not in the freezer, but in the trunk of my car, which now smells like a dead animal. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12968691
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12968691
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12967216
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12967216
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said "No, seriously." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12970630
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12970630
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my neighbor came up to me, lowered her voice and said, "I suggest you buy some drapes for your bedroom dear..." When she started to walk away, she added, "...and a gym membership." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12971497
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12971497
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12972343
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12972343
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my grandmother told me that my shirt was too low. And to prove her point, she reached down my shirt and grabbed one of my breasts. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12972947
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12972947
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I'm out of the country on business. I had some laundry done and my passport was in my pocket. My passport was washed and ruined. My flight leaves tomorrow morning and there's no embassy nearby. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12972963
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12972963
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my car broke down during rush hour on a busy street. While walking up two blocks to a gas station, I turn around only to see a woman stealing things from inside my car in broad daylight. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12973541
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12973541
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I awkwardly had to comfort my 32 year old friend when he broke down crying in the middle of a crowded McDonald's. Apparently they no longer serve barbecue bacon cheeseburgers. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12973332
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12973332
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, whilst sat next to a old lady on a flight back to the UK, I exclaimed how I wished somebody would gag the crying baby a few rows behind us. Her reply was, "That's my grandson." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12973891
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12973891
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I had to Google a word in my little brother's third grade reading book so I could understand what was going on. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12975787
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12975787
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my cousin came to visit from America. While out shopping, she said loudly that she was having trouble finding clothes to fit around her huge fanny, causing a lot of people to stare in our direction. I had to explain to her that "fanny" in the UK means "vagina." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12975254
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12975254
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while eating lunch, one of my friends told a joke that made everyone at the table laugh. Apparently, the guy standing behind me overheard and was laughing too. So much in fact that he spewed the red Gatorade he was drinking all over the back of my white shirt and hair. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12977321
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12977321
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12978436
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12978436
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I received an email from an ex who I haven't heard from in two years. Excited that it might be her asking if we could meet up, I opened it. It was a virus. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12978381
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12978381
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I saw a pregnant woman fall off her moped. As I helped her back up, I asked if her baby was okay. I was then blindsided by her brick of a purse while she screeched, "I'm not pregnant!" FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12978486
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12978486
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