FML: Your everyday life stories. New posts from fmylife.com.
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fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my nine year old stepson overheard me telling my husband that I was almost out of my favorite shampoo, and since it was discontinued, I couldn't buy any more. He got in the shower and happily emptied the bottles down the drain. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18960486
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18960486
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I went to see a doctor about some of the memory problems I've been having. After the appointment, I could barely remember a thing he told me. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/18961286
http://www.fmylife.com/health/18961286
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I had a quicky with my boyfriend, because his dad was about to pick him up. Afterwards, I texted: "Nice to meet your dad, hope we didn't look too heated." A few minutes later, he replied: "Great timing, he was holding my phone." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18961404
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18961404
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I submitted my 208th job application in less than a year, and went to my 83rd and 84th interviews, only to be told once again that I'm over-qualified for the first, and under-qualified for the second. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/18960811
http://www.fmylife.com/work/18960811
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I caught my pregnant wife smoking. This is after I quit over a month ago to show her my support and be a good influence on our child. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/18963404
http://www.fmylife.com/health/18963404
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while driving to work in heavy traffic, I got so into the song I was listening to that I tapped my foot on the gas to the beat. I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18963505
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18963505
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during the performance. It was my solo. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18964784
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18964784
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/18965724
http://www.fmylife.com/health/18965724
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I had to sit my 13-year-old son down and explain to him that I'd noticed that his pajamas feel a little "crispy" when I pick them up to do the laundry, and ask if he could start using tissues when having some "alone time." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18966482
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18966482
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while I was on the toilet, my cat managed to climb up behind me, slip and then grip itself to my bare ass. In my haste to get away from the cat, I pooped on the toilet without noticing. Until I sat back down. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/animals/18966203
http://www.fmylife.com/animals/18966203
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, it was my first time having sex with this guy. After a few second he stops, sits in the corner of his room buff-naked, with his knees up and his hands on his face. He then pouts and claims it was his worst performance ever. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18966700
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18966700
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18966714
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18966714
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18967800
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18967800
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while helping my mom to cook, I got to be reminded that in our house when the fire alarm goes off, dinner is ready. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18967284
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18967284
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was breaking into a house when three police cruisers pulled up. They ran my social, my license plates, and asked me twenty minutes worth of questions, before allowing me to go back to work. I work as a locksmith, the homeowner had lost their keys. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/18968105
http://www.fmylife.com/work/18968105
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, it was our class field trip. I got five dollars from ten different people because they wanted me to sit away from them. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18968842
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18968842
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder to take me to his room. He wasn't careful enough, and dropped me right on my head, on the hardwood floor. I ended up vomiting and came down with a headache. He still wanted to have sex. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18968605
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18968605
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I flew to England to visit my boyfriend, who has been working there for the past three months. I went to his hotel and waited for him, he never showed up. I called one of his colleagues to ask him what was going on. He had no idea what I was talking about. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18968998
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18968998
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my son sprayed our white couch with Febreze. This would have been great, were the "Febreze" not actually black spray paint. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18969036
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18969036
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband's farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it's hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18969254
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18969254
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I tried to treat a cut on my butt hole with Neosporin. I couldn't see it properly, so I had to use the front-facing camera on my phone. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/18973546
http://www.fmylife.com/health/18973546
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18972583
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18972583
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/money/18973351
http://www.fmylife.com/money/18973351
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18972343
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18972343
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I finally got my stubborn toddler to take an afternoon nap after an hour and a half of wrestling with her. Ten minutes later, a UPS package arrived at my door. The UPS man decided it would be a good idea to ring my doorbell repeatedly in rapid-fire sequence as he was walking away. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18974357
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18974357
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I realized that mixing alcohol with my medication causes me to lose my memory. I went to see my favorite band in concert last night and I can't remember a single song they played. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/18974554
http://www.fmylife.com/health/18974554
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/money/18974809
http://www.fmylife.com/money/18974809
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while in bed with my fiancé, I asked her to take off her pants so we could get it on. She said, "No because I don't feel like squeezing into them again." I was cockblocked by a pair of jeans. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18974719
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18974719
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my mom was freaking out about me handling a CD-Rom with my bare hands. When I asked her what all the commotion was about, she said she was worried that I would catch "one of those computer viruses" she'd heard about on the news. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18974920
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18974920
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I had to give my husband a tutorial on how to use jumper cables. Confused and flustered, he requested written instructions. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18975500
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18975500
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was on a date with a guy I've been crushing on. In the middle of the dinner, he said he had to go get something from his car. When I asked what it was, he smiled and said it was a surprise. I waited for my surprise for half an hour. Then I decided to pay the bill and go home and cry. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18976256
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18976256
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, a stranger told me how proud he was that my boyfriend and I were so open with our sexuality. For the past three years, most strangers have thought we are a pair of gay men. I am a woman. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18976383
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18976383
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18976293
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18976293
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18977119
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18977119
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I took off my sweatshirt in the middle of class. The tanktop I was wearing underneath went with it. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18980998
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18980998
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18980797
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18980797
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18979126
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18979126
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18982251
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18982251
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18981474
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18981474
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my dad killed my pet rats. They were playing on the sofa, and he thought they were vermin. This would have been understandable if the reason he came over wasn't to meet them, and they hadn't been wearing bright pink walking harnesses. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18982285
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18982285
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I had to change my mobile number because I was getting abused by a guy, so I sent my new number to all of the people on my contact list. Including him. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18982881
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18982881
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18983166
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18983166
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I came home from work and went into the bathroom. I saw a poo on the toilet lid, and thinking it was a trick toy that my son had got to trick me, I picked it up. It wasn't a toy. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18983389
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18983389
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I went tanning. When I got home, I realized I'd left my engagement ring next to the tanning bed. I went back to get it. It wasn't there. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18984134
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18984134
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/animals/18984075
http://www.fmylife.com/animals/18984075
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I got a date for Valentine's day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18984766
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18984766
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, trying to pocket a little extra cash for himself, my dad responded to multiple babysitting ads on Craigslist, accepting them all on my behalf. I despise children with all my heart. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18985606
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/18985606
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18987480
http://www.fmylife.com/love/18987480
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my wife screamed at me, calling me a "useless, ungrateful piece of crap", all because I wouldn't have sex with her, despite hours of her nagging. I said no because I've been laid-up in bed for the past week waiting on surgery for an excruciatingly painful hernia. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18986736
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/18986736
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I had to go to an extended family baseball game. At one point during the game, my grandpa halted play, because I was "probably cheating." As the self-appointed umpire, he decided that detaching his prosthetic leg and making me bat with it would be more fun to watch. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18987006
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18987006
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