FML: Your everyday life stories. New posts from fmylife.com.
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fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend complained that we may not work out because I'm "just too needy". I'd woken up early and texted him "good morning" while he was trying to sleep. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9047626
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9047626
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I discovered my mom had sold all of our summer clothes over the winter on eBay because we're short on cash. However, I am allowed to cut off the sleeves of all my long sleeve shirts and the legs off my jeans to stay cool in the summer. Nothing's more attractive than looking trashy, right? FML
http://www.fmylife.com/money/9047777
http://www.fmylife.com/money/9047777
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, after finishing the laundry, I took clothes out of the dryer and took a big whiff of their delicious clean scent. That was then I noticed that I my mom was watching me, and that I had just smelled my dad's still-stained underwear that was on top. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9048258
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9048258
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/9048204
http://www.fmylife.com/work/9048204
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I loaded up all of my belongings into my Dad's truck to head back to my home state. After two hours of playing Tetris with my furniture, I threw a tarp over everything and sealed it tight with straps. When I went to start the truck, I couldn't find my keys. There's a chance I just dropped them outside, but my best bet is that they're probably in some nook in the bed of the truck. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9048049
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9048049
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I followed an acne treatment. It was only after I'd finished the treatment that I read the bottom line, stating "Do not scrub your face". I only had one pimple to start with, now it looks like I sandpapered my face. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/9057957
http://www.fmylife.com/health/9057957
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I found out my boyfriend thinks I'm too high maintenance because I have a chronic illness which requires frequent hospitalization. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/9059310
http://www.fmylife.com/health/9059310
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, finally accepting the fact that the love of my life has moved on, I took myself to a movie, alone, on a Saturday night. After buying the last ticket to a sold out movie and trying to find the only open seat in the dark, I sit down... right next to my ex-best friend AND my ex-fiancé. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9054929
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9054929
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I spent 2 hours doing my hair, doing my make-up, and picking out an outfit to meet some men. On chatroulette. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9056198
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9056198
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I went on my first date with a guy I really like. He completely ignored me. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9065409
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9065409
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while at work, I was told by a man who had literally just gotten back from his mothers funeral to cheer up, I was depressing him. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9063709
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9063709
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I figured out it's the first time my roommate has done the dishes after living together an entire year, but I got to clean up the bubble waterfall that came pouring out of the dishwasher because she couldn't figure out where the detergent was supposed to go. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9064267
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9064267
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to marry me. Since he doesn't know my ring size he asked for me to find a ring that I liked and he would buy it and propose. The only problem is that he won't spend more than 200 dollars on it. Oh the generosity. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9062529
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9062529
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9067691
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9067691
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I realized that I'm so bored of my relationship with my girlfriend, I'd rather make sure I don't break the springs in my bed than make love to her. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9068161
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9068161
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was sitting on the toilet when I felt something brush my shoulder. I turned around in fright, and one of my bum cheeks slipped off the seat and into the toilet, making me fall sideways and hit my face on the toilet roll holder. I now have a black eye. It was my hair on my shoulder. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9068483
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9068483
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was in bed with my boyfriend, in the middle of foreplay, and somehow out of my mouth came, "I want to be inside you." I'm a woman. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9066532
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9066532
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I found out that the so-called vegetarian soy sauce my mom has made for me several times has minced meat in it. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9068336
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9068336
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he can't keep an erection while we have sex is that I'm not attractive enough. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9069427
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9069427
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I started to type up a mass text to tell a decent amount of my friends that I'd just come home to a surprise from my boyfriend. Trying to fix a typo, I accidentally hit send with the text only saying "Guess what?! I just came." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9070560
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9070560
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I went to a party, and the girl I really like started telling me how much she likes me and how she thought we would be good together. I was so drunk I threw up on her. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9070657
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9070657
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I fell in a river with a £700 camera, a £200 lens, and an iPhone while trying to rescue a 50 pence ball for my dog. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/money/9069582
http://www.fmylife.com/money/9069582
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, after a horrible day at school, I went through the McDonald's drive thru for an ice cream cone. Everything went well until I had to pull a sharp turn. The ice cream is now no longer on the cone, but instead all over my hands, face, steering wheel, and the carpet. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/9074868
http://www.fmylife.com/work/9074868
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, after being dropped off at home from a night of drinking, I looked to see my cat sitting by the front door waiting for me to let him in. I attempted to pick him up, only to realize he wasn't my adorable fat cat, but a hungry, pissed off raccoon. I now have these beautiful gashes on my arms and face. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9075364
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9075364
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9077477
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9077477
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I found out that the only reason my ex husband calls my son anymore, is to ask him to send him things on Facebook. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/9077229
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/9077229
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while waiting at the bus stop, the guy standing near me started peeing on the sidewalk and on my shoes. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9077392
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9077392
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!". He then started singing the Super Mario Brother's theme song and playing the game with my nipples. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9086835
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9086835
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9085698
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9085698
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9081770
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9081770
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend offered to give me a piggyback ride from the house to the car as means of avoiding walking in mud. Both aware of how tall he is, he crouched extra low and I jumped extra hard. This makes for a terrible example of leapfrog, and a faceplant in the mud. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9087167
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9087167
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my deranged co-worker sent me a text message containing a picture that she just took of her uncle. It was his funeral. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9083154
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9083154
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I called out "personal" from work because I had to study for a major test that is taking place tomorrow. An hour later my manager called to fire me for "not taking work seriously", then I got an email that the test is being postponed. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/9081511
http://www.fmylife.com/work/9081511
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I came home to hear my girlfriend break up with me, over the answering machine, with my entire family in the room. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9095527
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9095527
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was at the gas station pumping gas when the lady in front of me had a little boy who asked if he could pump the gas. She said yes and then quickly answered her phone, as it was ringing. She wasn't watching him and he pulled out the pump to early, spraying gas all over me, including my face. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/9092499
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/9092499
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was so excited to finally use my $45 gift card to a hair salon. I walk up to the doors to find them locked and to look inside to see that the salon was not only closed but out of business. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/money/9093072
http://www.fmylife.com/money/9093072
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I started hooking up with a guy I've liked for a while. We got pretty into it and he went into my underwear, looking confused. When I asked him what was wrong, his response was: "I can't find it." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9094642
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9094642
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I learned that a few pubes on your bed can stop you from getting laid. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9095139
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9095139
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I woke up late for a very important presentation. I got dressed but forgot to wear a bra. During the presentation, I bent down to adjust a shoe strap. I rose to find that the thin straps of my blouse snapped and exposed my breasts. I gave a great presentation and a titty show. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/9095970
http://www.fmylife.com/work/9095970
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I looked at my face to see if my new age-defying lotion was working. My skin does look younger, it's covered in pimples like a teenager's. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/9098787
http://www.fmylife.com/health/9098787
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend ran accidentally head-first into my face and left me with a giant black eye. My mother is convinced I had a seizure in a park somewhere and won't listen when I tell her she's wrong, and everyone else thinks my boyfriend is abusive. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9096813
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9096813
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, the boy I like finally acknowledged me. He came up to me and uttered two words: "Nice pooper." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9097770
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9097770
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I actually seriously considered labelling myself 'in a relationship' on Facebook, even though I haven't been since '92, so I can hide just how desperate I am. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9097225
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9097225
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I got mugged. They wanted my phone and wallet. The most important thing in my wallet was my fully punched Smoothie King card. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/money/9100714
http://www.fmylife.com/money/9100714
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, the satellite radio at work went on the fritz, playing one song over and over. Management wouldn't turn it off, though, because then customers would miss out on all those upcoming-sale announcements that run intermittently. Meanwhile, I got to listen to "Footloose" for eight hours. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/9099724
http://www.fmylife.com/work/9099724
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. His response to my shock was ‘This is less work and less involving.’ FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9100047
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/9100047
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend of almost a year and a half broke up with me when he decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. We gave our stuff back, he was joking and happy the whole time until I told him I was taking back my cat. At that point he burst into tears. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9101035
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9101035
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I spent three hours getting ready to go out to lunch with my boyfriend, only to find out he meant we're going to the McDonald's inside Wal-Mart so he can also pick up condoms. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9102089
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9102089
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my dad and I were in the car when a rabbit scurried across the road, just missing us. My dad turned and said to me, "Well, it's good we didn't hit him. He gets to live another day." I then looked in the rear view mirror to see the rabbit running away from the cross traffic, only to be hit by the car behind us. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9102050
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/9102050
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9102877
http://www.fmylife.com/love/9102877
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