FML: Your everyday life stories. New posts from fmylife.com.
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fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I finally worked up the courage to play my friends the demo CD that I've spent all summer recording. I didn't tell them it was me. Not even 10 seconds into the first song, my best friend asked me to turn it off because it sucked. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12826114
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12826114
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I went with my family to go see a notoriously creepy abandoned house. We noticed the people had left a lot of stuff behind so we loaded up the car with books, records, etc. As we were leaving, we saw the family who lived there drive up. I robbed a house with my grandma. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12826740
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12826740
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was at a tennis match and it was really hot. I took off my shirt to cool down. A member of the staff then tapped me on the shoulder, and told me that "my bare breasts might offend someone." I'm a man. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12832622
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12832622
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I talked to my boyfriend's dad for the first time. One of the first things that he said to me was, "So, I hear you're a screamer." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12832697
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12832697
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I found out that getting your hair dyed can result in an allergic reaction that leaves bleeding sores all over your scalp. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12831894
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12831894
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12833502
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12833502
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12834464
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12834464
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I decided I would multi-task by cleaning out my wallet whilst taking a dump. I ended dropping most of the contents of my wallet into a mess of diarrhea. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12834129
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12834129
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was taking the subway to school. I was applying some makeup when I noticed a little boy watching me. When I was finished I heard him whisper to his mom, "I thought make up was supposed to make you pretty." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12835808
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12835808
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I took pictures of myself and my girlfriend doing naughty things together on my camera. My mom later asked me if she could borrow the camera for the weekend. Without thinking, I gave her the camera. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12836221
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12836221
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I heard two of my students having a conversation. One asked what state Arizona was in, and the other replied Canada. I teach sixth grade social studies and they weren't joking. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/12837057
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/12837057
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday. After spending a reasonable amount of cash to get us a nice hotel room to celebrate, he decides he would rather spend the night drinking with his friends. They all threw up in the bath tub before passing out on our bed. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12836034
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12836034
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12837026
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12837026
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, whilst working on my final year TV journalism project, I remembered how notorious our programme is for crashing at inopportune moments. After a particularly tricky bit of work, I happily pushed save. In doing so, it triggered the programme to crash, losing everything I'd just done. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12840068
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12840068
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, it's my nephew's second birthday. He was sitting on my lap, so I started tickling him. He laughed and squirmed so much, he smashed his mouth on my desk. Two bloody hours at the hospital later, he has no two front teeth. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/12838070
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/12838070
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12838933
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12838933
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was forced to spend an extra $318 for another plane ticket to Dallas. The ticket wasn't for my daughter, my mom, or my sister, but for the quarter of my butt that apparently needs its own seat. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/money/12841369
http://www.fmylife.com/money/12841369
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of beer, fell on top of a stranger on the sofa, and knocked my beer upside down on my head. Then, completely soaked, I realized I'd also knocked over the table, spilling its content on a poor girl across it. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12842003
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12842003
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: "Our political differences will likely escalate to violence." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12842541
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12842541
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was life guarding at a community pool and noticed a toddler go under water. I quickly jumped in and suddenly got a charlie horse which caused me to stall. When I looked up, I saw an old woman saving him, and got a shoe thrown at my head. I was fired. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/12843819
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/12843819
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12846178
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12846178
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12847836
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12847836
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was going to meet my friend at a concert. I got there before her, so I went in to check out the local bands that were playing before the headliner. When she got there, I went just outside the building to give her a ticket. The security guards wouldn't let me back in. She went in anyway. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12850151
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12850151
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn't stop. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12849732
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12849732
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12848184
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12848184
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I found out that whenever my best friend used to say she wanted to do my dad, she wasn't kidding. She accomplished her mission in my bed after school. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12851592
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12851592
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. All went well until the machine went to return my red blood cells. It turns out the nurse sliced my vein and the blood built up in my tissues. I now have a massive swollen arm and bruising, and look like a junkie. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12851581
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12851581
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I went to pay my grandma a visit. She called the cops because she didn't recognize me and thought I was a robber. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12850855
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12850855
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12852856
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12852856
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was in the airport after saying goodbye to my boyfriend who left for three months. Walking back to my car, I saw a young couple kissing passionately. If that wasn't bad enough, the guy then picked his girlfriend up, spun her round in the air and her foot kicked me square in the jaw. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12852491
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12852491
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was at a party when I had to take a piss. When I was done, I discovered the door had been jammed. I tried to go out the window, but got stuck instead. My friends then went on either sides of the window and took off with my clothes. When I finally got free, I had to beg for my clothes back, with only a beer bottle covering my junk. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12855478
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12855478
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I saw one of those candies that you spray on your tongue. Only after spraying some in my mouth did I find it was actually perfume. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12856829
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12856829
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was at the grocery store with my five year old son when I had to go to the bathroom. After doing my business and we started walking out of the bathroom, my son loudly announced to the whole store, "Mommy has diarrhea!" FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/12858268
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/12858268
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12858373
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12858373
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12860469
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12860469
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I fell off my bike. I grazed my knee, shin, thigh, hip, collar bone, shoulder and face. I also strained my wrist. As I was wheeling my bike away, I stung my other leg on nettles. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12861680
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12861680
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while browsing facebook I found out that today was my school's class reunion. I was the ONLY one not invited. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12864356
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12864356
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was working the drive-thru at Burger King. The customer pulled up, handed me his money, and as I was giving him his change my co-worker thought it would be funny to give me a small push. She pushed me right out the drive-thru window and onto the customer's car. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12863832
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12863832
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I got grounded because I have a picture on facebook in which I'm touching the crotch of a cardboard cut-out of Obama. My parents insist the FBI will see that and I'll end up in jail. My parents are crazy. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12865324
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12865324
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk then tried to hit me. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they turned up, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12866793
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12866793
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12866112
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12866112
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I needed to take a pain pill. When I looked inside the pill bottle it was empty. I asked my boyfriend why it was empty and he said he took them all. I had surgery 2 days ago on my knee, and the bottle was for 10 days. Now I can't get another one prescribed. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12867755
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12867755
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75mph on the freeway, I made it off one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12867561
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12867561
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said no, because she wasn't sure we would last. We've been together for over 10 years, and we have two kids age 7 and 4. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12870364
http://www.fmylife.com/love/12870364
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I had a stomach virus. I tried to make myself throw up to feel better. My long nails sliced open my throat from the inside, and I threw up blood. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12869426
http://www.fmylife.com/health/12869426
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12870338
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12870338
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I found out that my employers hired me under the assumption that I was gay. Apparently, they are attempting to be perceived as more open-minded. I'm not gay, but I'm afraid being straight could cost me my job. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12872316
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12872316
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12870608
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/12870608
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was asked by my boss to prepare the 2011 budget for a medical center that serves 32,000 patients. I am a summer intern, have no budgeting experience, and have never taken a finance class. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12872553
http://www.fmylife.com/work/12872553
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I've lived in this apartment for three years. I've been single and horny for all of them. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12872328
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/12872328
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