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FML: Your everyday life stories. New posts from fmylife.com.
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fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I learned that you don't put your diamond earrings on over your bathroom sink. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8915747
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while playing poker, I lost a stack of money to somebody with the screen name "Poopface." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/money/8915112
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I let my boyfriend drive my car, knowing that he doesn't have a license. While he was out, he ran a stop sign, collided with another vehicle, and then left the scene of the accident. Then he lied to me about how the accident happened so I "wouldn't be so upset." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8914143
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was supposed to talk to my girlfriend's mom to ask permission to date her daughter but I chickened out. We've been together for almost a year, but have not been on a real date because I am too damn scared of her family. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8913654
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I started my spring break. My college is letting the students stay in the dorms for break, so I figured that staying here would mean getting more sleep than going home. Not so much. The fire alarm has been going off every 20 mins since 7:30am because they're "fixing" it. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8916498
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my mother in law grounded me because I went to the store in the "dangerous" rain. My husband says that if I don't obey then we won't work out. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8916783
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I have a rash all over my face because yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me. Apparently, I am allergic to the something in the tissues with which I was blowing my nose and wiping away my tears. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8916376
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I woke up to the most awkward breakfast of my life. Apparently, last night after taking my sleeping pill, I went into my mom's room and started spilling secrets left and right. Secrets about my current crush, the people I've hooked up with, and how when I say I'm going over to my friend Beth's house, I'm really seeing a guy. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8916810
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my science class had a substitute teacher. When she started doing roll call and called out my name, she wouldn't believe that a girl could be named Devon, and accused me of covering for another student. I was given detention, and my parents were called and told about my "disruptive behaviour". FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8919165
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I moved into my aunt's house. She had a little too much fun in the sixties and now tells everyone about her many imagined conquests, including her church minister and several has-been celebrities. As a plus, I discovered she has a habit of wandering around the house in the nude. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8920023
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was invited by my boyfriend's parents for dinner at their house. The dinner went well I thought, until I was getting ready to leave. Before I could make it out the front door, I could hear them discussing their disappointment that their son would ever consider someone like me. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8920959
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I thought my boyfriend was being sweet by stroking my hair, only to discover he was getting rid of a booger. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8921523
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I showed my fiancé the darling Tinkerbell hoodie I'd bought myself during the weekend. Instead of liking it as I'd hoped, he told me my childish wardrobe was embarrassing, and he wasn't going to be seen in public with me until I wore something different. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8922378
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8927721
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8929272
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I returned home from a 2-day trip. Before I left, I told my brother to move my car across the street when the street cleaner passes by. Turns out, he used all my gas and got so wasted he forgot to move my car. I got a big ticket that he said he'd pay for. He's unemployed and lives off me. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/money/8930944
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I found the purity ring I lost a year ago. Too bad I lost my virginity 4 months ago. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/8928407
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/8923957
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulls away, and goes, 'OMNOMNOMNOM' then continues kissing me. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8938821
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I have to spend over an hour at a Gamestop so my boyfriend can get his 'Final Fantasy' game at midnight. I'm tired, I don't want to stand around any more, and all the people around around me are debating super heroes. I'm living in an episode of 'The Big Bang Theory.' FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8936856
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He says "yeah well you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8938160
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I walked into a subway car which was empty except for this sleeping hobo. Three stops later, the guy wakes up and starts peeing in the corner. I ignore it thinking he'll go back to sleep. Silly me, I didn't realize that he would start running towards me, still peeing. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8938594
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I left my car in a disreputable area. After picking it up later on, I heard a strange "clonking" sound. The clonking suddenly stopped when my wheel fell off; someone had stolen my wheel nuts. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8941077
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated-looking my chest has become and how she only wants to help. Except that I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/8940307
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I learned not to jump off a stage if nobody is going to catch you. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/8941097
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was driving back home after hanging out with some friends. I drove pass a woman standing next to a broken down car. I felt bad, so went back and offered her a ride home. Turns out it wasn't her car and she was a hooker. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8939744
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while at the mall with my boyfriend, I suddenly fell to the floor screaming because something in my boot bit me. It was a scorpion. My boyfriend is now giving me the silent treatment because I embarrassed him in public. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8942816
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I finally jumped high enough to dunk on the ten foot rim. I caught my tooth on the net and proceeded to nearly pull my tooth out. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/8943287
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I found out that my mom is not only reading my mail, but she is also withholding letters from my bank, college, and insurance company. Why? Because "they could be inappropriate" for me to read. I'm 25. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8942410
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I got fired from my job as a postman, which I started yesterday. They fired me because I failed to deliver a bunch of papers to a road that no longer exists. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/work/8946577
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I dropped my physics class because I thought I bombed the 50% second midterm test. I got my results an hour after dropping online. I finished with an 83. I can't get back into the course. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8945692
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was babysitting. Being kind, I went to grab their mail, while their 4 year old ate lunch. He locked me out, wrecked the house, and let me in right when he saw their car two hours later. I didn't get paid. I paid them. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/kids/8944596
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was using my fiance's phone to look up movie times for us. In the internet browser, I found history of him looking on Craigslist for "discrete intimate relationships with women" in our city. We are expecting our little boy in two months. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8948216
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I got up in church to go to the bathroom. I finished and came back to my seat, only to find that all my stuff was gone, including my wallet, iPod touch, and blackberry. I was just robbed in a church. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8948226
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while preparing the house for company, I got a call that my sister had a heart attack and died. My wife's response? "Great! Now you're going to be no help to me at all!" FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8948119
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was talking to an ex who I still love. He told me how much he wanted to see me, how much he missed me, and we started talking about when we could spend the day at his house. I mentioned Saturday, and he said, "I can't, I have to take my fiancée to the doctor's to find out our baby's sex." FML.
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8954955
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I discovered that my mother uses my eyebrow tweezers to pull ticks off the dog. She also hasn't figured out that just dipping the tweezers in alcohol doesn't automatically sterilize them. Especially if there is icky dog hair still stuck on. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/8958709
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I had an exam at school and I hadn't studied. I decided to bring a lamp near my forehead to fake a fever so my mother would allow me to stay home. The lamp set fire into my hair. Now, I have a big spot on my head where I don't have any hair. My mother sent me to school anyway. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/8952707
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, while attempting a DIY pest removal, one of our tenants lit a skunk on fire. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8956566
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8965394
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was using a power drill to take down the set for the musical we just finished. My long hair got caught in the drill, got ripped out and now I have a hurting, bleeding bald spot the size of 2 quarters. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8963973
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was sitting on the train and the guy across from me had "Lice Shampoo" written in magic marker on his hand. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/health/8962558
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I got up on stage excited to recite a spoken word piece that I worked on and memorized for about 20 hours, neglecting other obligations like studying for an exam the next day. I blanked out in the middle of the performance in front of hundreds of people. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8962343
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I realized that I can still do the splits. Why? Because I fell down an entire flight of stairs, everyone in the hall saw me land and applauded. Someone even shouted "and she sticks the landing." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8965492
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my parents took my laptop, cut the Internet, took my car keys, the tv and removed my bedroom door. Why? Because they thought the plant I was growing for my science project was a marijuana plant. Oh yeah and they took that too. My presentation is tomorrow. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8965755
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, my boyfriend dumped me because apparently I don't appreciate how he's different from other guys. I only told him that showering once a month was not normal. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8967212
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, when I went to see a movie with my best friend, and there were 3 girls loudly discussing blow job techniques. I texted my boyfriend about how gross the conversation was. His reply was "Pay attention. You might learn something." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/8966717
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8968601
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML
http://www.fmylife.com/love/8969513
fmylife.com posted from a bot
Today, I found out what people really think about the beard I've been proudly growing for over a month. It appears that my face now looks like an unshaven ballsack. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8968653
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